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Your Band Blows
The Blowies!
2009. A new year for terrible music.
With the proliferation of DIY methods of producing and distributing recorded material, this year promises to one of the worst in history. The start of a new year also brings the close of the year gone by, and awards shows “honoring” the “best” music of the preceding 12 months. I've always found it humorous and distressing that a group of people can come together and judge what was the best of any art form to come out of a particular period of time. In the case of the Grammys, the voting parties are people within the industry that stand to profit from the eventual bump in sales that results from an artist or a song receiving an award. It’s an incestuous, antiquated system that has no validity, and really makes no sense in today’s industry. Aside from the few relevant and original artists like MIA and Kings of Leon that get thrown a bone, the majority of nominees have done nothing to drive music culture in any way. So in honor of this dinosauric daisy chain of a backslapping session, I've decided to put out my own list of awards: The Blowies. All of the “winners” had to have been released in 2008, and charted in a big way on one of Billboard’s 3,678 lists … and they had to have distinguished themselves among their peers as glowing examples of what happens when bad music becomes popular.
Worst Pop Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Lady Gaga, “Just Dance”
This syrupy piece of crap sounds like just another ridiculous dance song meant to be played at “da club” so hootchies can get their dance on while being ogled by douchebags waiting in the wings to pull a little roofie-and-grind action on their unsuspecting asses. Ironically, the lyrical content has Lady Gaga so shitfaced that she’s lost her keys and phone in a club that she doesn’t even know the name of, with her shirt on inside-out. It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the majority of the girls that will be listening to and enjoying this song will eventually find themselves in the predicament that she’s describing. I love irony, but the inevitable situation bound to be caused by this song, if it already hasn’t, is that girls will take “Just Dance” as a validation that it's cool to get so wasted that you’re fucking lost and losing all of your valuables. What’s next, a song about the STD that you got after blacking out and fucking a group of predatory bros?
Worst Rap Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Kevin Rudolf Feat. Lil Wayne, “Let it Rock”
Really, all I need to do to trash this song is quote some lyrics. “Because when I arrive I bring the fire/Make you come alive, I can take you higher/What is this, forgot/I must now remind you/ let it rock let it rock …” I’m a huge fan of Weezy, and it really crushes my heart to know that he was involved with this steaming pile of hippopotamus dung. The fact that someone who completely changed the rap game and released one of the best rap albums of the year did a guest spot on what amounts to a bad house version of “Eye of the Tiger” makes me physically ill. With all of the lyrical skill that Lil Wayne possesses, he couldn’t come up with a better chorus? Dr. Carter, the medical board is rescinding your certification.
Worst Metal Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Disturbed, “Indestructible”
Will someone please tell these guys that the '90s are over, and that they’ve been writing the same song for the past decade? OK, we get it. You bark like a monkey over drop-tuned guitars. At least when you were whining about how sick you were and that your mommy beat you, you were connecting with every angsty kid with low self-esteem that couldn’t resolve their issues through therapy and had to listen to your crappy nu-metal rehash over and over to feel better about themselves. But now that you’re throwing down some pseudo-social commentary about soldiering, you’re just embarrassing yourself and any military members who are probably listening to this as they go out to kill. Please overdose and die and stop creating fodder for kids to gear up for war to.
Worst Rock Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Nickelback, “Something in Your Mouth”
Nickelback, the masters of the formatted rock song, gifted us this year with yet another track about strippers. As if this topic hadn’t been beat to death in the '90s by much more relevant groups like Motley Crue (God, I can't believe I just called the Crue relevant, shoot me). “Something in Your Mouth” sounds like just another attempt by the rumored-to-be-closeted Chad Kroeger to inject some hetero swagger into his music. You’re trying too hard, and frankly, at this point a song about gag-fucking a male partner would be more compelling than this offering. No thanks. At least it finally got “How You Remind Me” out of my head.
Worst R&B Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Ne-Yo, “Closer”
Everything about this song is just wrong. From the hokey intro and played-out techno beat to Brown’s repetitive stale chorus, there is so much to hate. I'm sure that Jerry Wexler, the man who coined the term R&B to replace the outdated moniker of Race Music, is rolling around in his gold coffin to know that his words are being used to describe this bit of aural dookie. R&B has gone through many changes since its inception as a genre, from jazz to soul to funk, and it really is a travesty of the highest order that a poppy pseudo-love song like this can wear the title. Rhythm and Blues has become Retch and Barf in my eyes (and ears) if this poorly constructed vehicle for a third-rate singer can be classified as such. Turn the lights off in this place, raise the gun to your mouth (closer … closer) and paint the walls with your brains Chris.
Worst Record of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group, not genre specific)
Britney Spears, “Womanizer”
2008 was the year of the comeback for this one. After years of popping out babies and self-destructing, this once wildly popular pop princess returned with a new album that made all of the garbage that she’s released in the past sound like the voices of a heavenly choir in comparison. At her best, Britney was the perfect pop construction of post-adolescent sex appeal, well-structured songs that peaked with semi-interesting hooks, and danceable beats. Currently, it would seem that Ms. Spears is working out her issues with men and the superstar life via boring, repetitive tracks that showcase her love of AutoTune over instrumentals that would only be danceable to a 12-year-old on half a vial of ketamine. I hope that she spends the next year counting the money made from this vacuous piece of garbage instead of continuing to make narcissistic, masturbatory albums chronicling her descent into obscurity.
Worst Album of the Year (long-play album by an artist, duo or group, not genre specific)
Beyonce, I Am … Sasha Fierce
Ever since the Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines debacle of the late '90s, I’ve been waiting for another mega-successful artist to try and reinvent him- or herself when they run out of viable material. So I was jubilant when I heard about Beyonce’s attempt to remake her current image as a strong sassy black woman into a completely new concept image of a strong … sassy … black woman. I wonder if she really understands what it means to reinvent yourself. It doesn’t mean just changing your name and recycling the same format that you’ve been using for years. Maybe it was that Beyonce was thinking more along the lines of a Diddy (P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddley Doo or whatever he’s calling himself these days) reinvention than a true Bowie-style change where your personality, stage show and overall concept are transformed into something completely different. Please just get your career over with and pose for Playboy, or just go live on Jay-Z’s boat in the middle of the Mediterranean somewhere, you're no longer relevant to anything except urban Miss Independent clones and your own gigantic ego.
Worst New Artist of the Year (artist, duo or group)
Jonas Brothers
There’s really not much I can say that can hack away any more at these guys' credibility. “But they play their own instruments,” you say? Last time I checked, every “band” that wasn’t created in an office plays its own instruments. “But they write their own songs,” you say? If you honestly believe that a 14-year-old has enough pop sensibility to write hit records, then you are probably one of those people that still believes that the Monkees wrote “Daydream Believer” and that the Partridge Family was really a family AND a band. “But they’re sooooooo cute,” you say? I'll give them that. Cute enough to sell albums to both 14-year-old girls and 50-year-old pedophiles, and that’s their gimmick. Other than that, the only thing they have going for them is some of the most repugnant pop music created in decades. Look for them to be in contention for the Blowie for Worst Record of 2009.
With the proliferation of DIY methods of producing and distributing recorded material, this year promises to one of the worst in history. The start of a new year also brings the close of the year gone by, and awards shows “honoring” the “best” music of the preceding 12 months. I've always found it humorous and distressing that a group of people can come together and judge what was the best of any art form to come out of a particular period of time. In the case of the Grammys, the voting parties are people within the industry that stand to profit from the eventual bump in sales that results from an artist or a song receiving an award. It’s an incestuous, antiquated system that has no validity, and really makes no sense in today’s industry. Aside from the few relevant and original artists like MIA and Kings of Leon that get thrown a bone, the majority of nominees have done nothing to drive music culture in any way. So in honor of this dinosauric daisy chain of a backslapping session, I've decided to put out my own list of awards: The Blowies. All of the “winners” had to have been released in 2008, and charted in a big way on one of Billboard’s 3,678 lists … and they had to have distinguished themselves among their peers as glowing examples of what happens when bad music becomes popular.
Worst Pop Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Lady Gaga, “Just Dance”
This syrupy piece of crap sounds like just another ridiculous dance song meant to be played at “da club” so hootchies can get their dance on while being ogled by douchebags waiting in the wings to pull a little roofie-and-grind action on their unsuspecting asses. Ironically, the lyrical content has Lady Gaga so shitfaced that she’s lost her keys and phone in a club that she doesn’t even know the name of, with her shirt on inside-out. It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the majority of the girls that will be listening to and enjoying this song will eventually find themselves in the predicament that she’s describing. I love irony, but the inevitable situation bound to be caused by this song, if it already hasn’t, is that girls will take “Just Dance” as a validation that it's cool to get so wasted that you’re fucking lost and losing all of your valuables. What’s next, a song about the STD that you got after blacking out and fucking a group of predatory bros?
Worst Rap Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Kevin Rudolf Feat. Lil Wayne, “Let it Rock”
Really, all I need to do to trash this song is quote some lyrics. “Because when I arrive I bring the fire/Make you come alive, I can take you higher/What is this, forgot/I must now remind you/ let it rock let it rock …” I’m a huge fan of Weezy, and it really crushes my heart to know that he was involved with this steaming pile of hippopotamus dung. The fact that someone who completely changed the rap game and released one of the best rap albums of the year did a guest spot on what amounts to a bad house version of “Eye of the Tiger” makes me physically ill. With all of the lyrical skill that Lil Wayne possesses, he couldn’t come up with a better chorus? Dr. Carter, the medical board is rescinding your certification.
Worst Metal Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Disturbed, “Indestructible”
Will someone please tell these guys that the '90s are over, and that they’ve been writing the same song for the past decade? OK, we get it. You bark like a monkey over drop-tuned guitars. At least when you were whining about how sick you were and that your mommy beat you, you were connecting with every angsty kid with low self-esteem that couldn’t resolve their issues through therapy and had to listen to your crappy nu-metal rehash over and over to feel better about themselves. But now that you’re throwing down some pseudo-social commentary about soldiering, you’re just embarrassing yourself and any military members who are probably listening to this as they go out to kill. Please overdose and die and stop creating fodder for kids to gear up for war to.
Worst Rock Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Nickelback, “Something in Your Mouth”
Nickelback, the masters of the formatted rock song, gifted us this year with yet another track about strippers. As if this topic hadn’t been beat to death in the '90s by much more relevant groups like Motley Crue (God, I can't believe I just called the Crue relevant, shoot me). “Something in Your Mouth” sounds like just another attempt by the rumored-to-be-closeted Chad Kroeger to inject some hetero swagger into his music. You’re trying too hard, and frankly, at this point a song about gag-fucking a male partner would be more compelling than this offering. No thanks. At least it finally got “How You Remind Me” out of my head.
Worst R&B Single of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group)
Ne-Yo, “Closer”
Everything about this song is just wrong. From the hokey intro and played-out techno beat to Brown’s repetitive stale chorus, there is so much to hate. I'm sure that Jerry Wexler, the man who coined the term R&B to replace the outdated moniker of Race Music, is rolling around in his gold coffin to know that his words are being used to describe this bit of aural dookie. R&B has gone through many changes since its inception as a genre, from jazz to soul to funk, and it really is a travesty of the highest order that a poppy pseudo-love song like this can wear the title. Rhythm and Blues has become Retch and Barf in my eyes (and ears) if this poorly constructed vehicle for a third-rate singer can be classified as such. Turn the lights off in this place, raise the gun to your mouth (closer … closer) and paint the walls with your brains Chris.
Worst Record of the Year (single track by an artist, duo or group, not genre specific)
Britney Spears, “Womanizer”
2008 was the year of the comeback for this one. After years of popping out babies and self-destructing, this once wildly popular pop princess returned with a new album that made all of the garbage that she’s released in the past sound like the voices of a heavenly choir in comparison. At her best, Britney was the perfect pop construction of post-adolescent sex appeal, well-structured songs that peaked with semi-interesting hooks, and danceable beats. Currently, it would seem that Ms. Spears is working out her issues with men and the superstar life via boring, repetitive tracks that showcase her love of AutoTune over instrumentals that would only be danceable to a 12-year-old on half a vial of ketamine. I hope that she spends the next year counting the money made from this vacuous piece of garbage instead of continuing to make narcissistic, masturbatory albums chronicling her descent into obscurity.
Worst Album of the Year (long-play album by an artist, duo or group, not genre specific)
Beyonce, I Am … Sasha Fierce
Ever since the Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines debacle of the late '90s, I’ve been waiting for another mega-successful artist to try and reinvent him- or herself when they run out of viable material. So I was jubilant when I heard about Beyonce’s attempt to remake her current image as a strong sassy black woman into a completely new concept image of a strong … sassy … black woman. I wonder if she really understands what it means to reinvent yourself. It doesn’t mean just changing your name and recycling the same format that you’ve been using for years. Maybe it was that Beyonce was thinking more along the lines of a Diddy (P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddley Doo or whatever he’s calling himself these days) reinvention than a true Bowie-style change where your personality, stage show and overall concept are transformed into something completely different. Please just get your career over with and pose for Playboy, or just go live on Jay-Z’s boat in the middle of the Mediterranean somewhere, you're no longer relevant to anything except urban Miss Independent clones and your own gigantic ego.
Worst New Artist of the Year (artist, duo or group)
Jonas Brothers
There’s really not much I can say that can hack away any more at these guys' credibility. “But they play their own instruments,” you say? Last time I checked, every “band” that wasn’t created in an office plays its own instruments. “But they write their own songs,” you say? If you honestly believe that a 14-year-old has enough pop sensibility to write hit records, then you are probably one of those people that still believes that the Monkees wrote “Daydream Believer” and that the Partridge Family was really a family AND a band. “But they’re sooooooo cute,” you say? I'll give them that. Cute enough to sell albums to both 14-year-old girls and 50-year-old pedophiles, and that’s their gimmick. Other than that, the only thing they have going for them is some of the most repugnant pop music created in decades. Look for them to be in contention for the Blowie for Worst Record of 2009.
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