Your Band Blows

Words: Scott Jenson

Right off the bat, you can personally deliver any death threats to the new REAX Space if you’re in the Tampa area. There’s a good chance that I’ll be there during the afternoon most days, so you may get to tell me to go to hell to my face. However, if I happen to be out on an errand or just hiding at one of Ybor City’s fine watering holes there will be someone there to take a message, and you may just find an awesome graphic tee or print from one of our hand-picked artists. I’m letting you know this not because I want to wheedle you into checking out our gallery, but am in fact so sure that talking badly about The Decemberists is going to make me music journalism’s first martyr, and I want to speed up the process. Like many fine men before me such as Malcolm X, Gandhi and Jesus, I’m aware that my views will most likely result in my death at the hands of some unenlightened fool. But I don’t want to wait for a hipster who most likely is partial to wearing empty horn-rimmed frames and espousing the merits of Animal Collective as a musical “movement” and not just a band to jump out from behind the bushes at New World Brewery and stab me in the heart with his iPhone knife app. I'd rather get it over with quickly … so come see me.

If you were to take a survey about what makes a good band among people who study music, particularly rock and roll, you would invariably get a somewhat homogenous list citing technical proficiency, storytelling or lyrical ability, connection to an audience and a compelling live show as being essential. All of these things are great, and most bands that have success in music will display some of these traits, if not all. But the question that I’m positing today is what happens when you have a band that fulfills all of the above qualifications, but they still suck? How are positive traits outweighed by negatives? I would like to introduce everyone to my patented method of measuring band suckage or ruleage: the Active Dynamics In Creativity and Kocknballz as It Applies to Music scale, or A.D.I.C.K.I.A.M. For the purpose of this demonstration I will be assessing my most hated purveyors of twee, pseudo-intellectual folk trash, the Decemberists.

Let’s talk technical proficiency. It’s very easy to see, even on a low-grade YouTube vid, that the musicianship of The Decemberists is for the most part solid. Lead twit Colin Meloy is an apt guitar player, and manages to hit his notes while singing, and the back-up “whatever the hell he’s playing at the time” guy Chris Funk is good with whatever kitschy little noisemaker he has in his hand. But the rest of the band is pretty much average at what they do, and incredibly boring to watch. All of this adds up to a technical level of skill that is adequate enough to be considered “good.” However, when applied to the A.D.I.C.K.I.A.M. scale, there are a few major issues that outweigh the Decemberists’ level of playing ability. This equation can be expressed in the following scientific formula:
               

“MM+NGD÷FBA+BUB=R-WLC”

In layman's terms, what I’ve just described is that “Mediocre Musicianship plus No Guitar Dance divided by Fake British Accent and Butt Ugly Band equals Really? Who Likes this Crap?”

It’s been well addressed that the Decemberists are good storytellers. The almighty Pitchfork itself has been a huge proponent of the weaving of whatever obscure literary pap Colin Meloy is reading Cliff's Notes for at the time into the band’s albums. And even I’ll be the first to admit the majority of their music is very conceptual, and lyrically addresses the content in a manner that expresses their meme. However, there is a unique paradox created when the subject matter of music is such that no matter what lyrical devices are used to advance the topic, the topic itself is so ridiculously boring that there is no point in writing about it. The latest outing from The Decemberists is based on “a woman named Margaret who is ravaged by a shape-shifting animal; her lover, William; a forest queen; and a cold-blooded, lascivious rake.” (Artist Bio Page, 4/20/08). What I can take from that is, it’s a concept album about a gangbang. That would make for an interesting video directed by the same guy who did Manorgy #17, but really doesn’t show the depth that a concept album requires. At least when Mastodon does a concept piece it’s about a paraplegic who travels through time and has his spirit sucked into the body of Rasputin, the immortal Russian tyrant. The A.D.I.C.K.I.A.M. formula for the storytelling/lyrical category as applied to the Decemberists is as thus:
               
“WCxGS=RLPR”

Of course this means “Weak Concept times Good Storytelling equals Rather Listen to Papa Roach.”

Finally, let's talk connection to an audience and a compelling live show. This is a fairly simple category to define and chart via the A.D.I.C.K.I.A.M. scale. Basically, what we’re talking about here is that connection with people, and the wow factor at a live show. Somehow, The Decemberists have managed to connect with an audience. I don’t see how, considering the fact that the band is a foppish group of throwbacks fronted by a trilling, pseudo-English Stephen King lookalike who appears to be trapped somewhere in the late 1800s. If you’re connecting with that, you seriously need to pull yourself out of the library and have a few shots of whiskey, get laid, dance to bad techno, jump out of a plane, take a drive in a foreign country, ride a bull … do SOMETHING!!! I haven’t seen a group with less to say, and less balls, since ABBA. At least ABBA was a bunch of raging cocaine abusers who wrote about club whores. And a quick mention of The Decemberists live: if they’re not backed up by a full orchestra, it’s about as much fun as watching the line at the DMV. Scratch that, at least there’s always one drooling freak at the DMV who can hold your interest for more than five minutes. One final equation:
               
“IYLD+STTL=PSV”

One of the amazing qualities of the A.D.I.C.K.I.A.M. scale is its ability to sum musical capabilities as it applies to fans as well. As you can see from the above statistical formula, “If You Listen to the Decemberists plus can Sit Through Them Live it means that you’re Probably Still a Virgin.” See you at the Space!