Hands On

Handkerchiefs(Hav-A-Hank)

When did gentlemen and mechanics stop being civilized enough to carry a kerchief in their back pocket? When did they become bandannas? Why should we care? Well, since the times of tuberculosis handkerchiefs have been a fashionable must have, with the red ones being very popular for a time to hide if you were coughing up blood. See a mechanic, railroad worker, or out on the town dandy in an old photo, you see a hank. I blame Kleenexes for the hank's current place in culture, which is best known at this point for gang apparel; join a gang, spend $1 at the local corner store, buy a red, blue, yellow, or white Hav-A-Hank and tell everyone who's back you have without saying a word.

Tested in New York City, where I used it to open doorknobs in the Union Pool that I did not want to touch during flu season
www.bandanacompany.com


1. Stealth Pedal (IK Multimedia)

 It is pretty clever that IK decided to house an audio interface for recording into a MIDI controller with the shape and function of a wah/volume pedal. But don’t be confused just by looking at it: this is NOT a regular “guitar pedal,” and you can’t just plug it into a guitar amp. This is a high-end audio interface for recording, to run into a computer. The facts that it can double as a MIDI controller, and is so heavy-duty and well-made that you could kill an attacker with it, are just bonuses. As a recording interface, it is USB-powered, has two inputs (that work as either hi-z or line level inputs), two outputs, 24-bit A/D and D/A conversion, 44.1/48k operation, and a headphone jack. Basically, you could carry this around as your interface and record demos in hotel rooms or in the middle of the night in an apartment or dorm with your electric guitar, and no one would ever know. It also turns your computer into a standalone virtual guitar/bass amp (sans really loud speakers). Even though it is aimed at guitarists, this will work for most recording applications, and comes with Amplitube software. I used it as a controller & interface to control IK Multimedia’s well-known Amplitube Plugins with Protools, and it worked without a hitch. It ships with an Amplitube software bundle as part of the deal. An excellent example of functionality and compact design at a very good price.

Tested in various locations with a laptop and a guitar
ikmultimedia.com


 2. Bison Burger

Few animals are more majestic and identified with the Wild West than the American buffalo, a.k.a the bison. The bison is also a mighty tasty animal. The Native Americans ate bison all the time and never got chubby until Buffalo Bill killed most of the animals off, and then went on to found McDonald’s, setting them all up over the Midwestern United States back in 1885. While this is tragic, Bison have made a great comeback because of Ted Turner and other hippies who keep large herds of them, and are as tasty and non-fattening as ever. Due to the fact that, by an old obscure law, real cowboys and Indians have to be hired to shoot and capture these animals, expect to pay more than twice for a Bison Burger what you would for a Big Mac.


Tested at Square One Burgers
square1burgers.com



3. Drifter Select "South Beach Towel" (Circa Shoes)

It is a vintage-looking skate shoe covered in what looks like a late-’70s beach towel material, and no two have the same pattern. Brilliant. I called up the dudes at Circa and asked if they got real vintage thrift-store towels to make these shoes. They said that they would find out about that and get back to me, and I think I heard them giggling and hitting a bong in the background. Whatever. These are the perfect beach skater shoes, but just don’t try to dry off with them if you are missing your towel.


Tested at Southern Boarder
southernboarder.com



4. ML Guitar (Dean Guitars)

What was once a cutting-edge and shocking design has not aged very well over the last couple decades. Similar to spandex, poodle hair, and pink eyeliner on thirtysomething dudes (and anything else that Twisted Sister wore), the Dean ML guitars are a statement, and that statement is “I am stuck in the ‘80s.” And it is just plain weird to see heavy-metal grandfathers on stage at some Reunion Tour/BBQ wearing Ed Hardy shirts and leather underpants shredding furiously on a neon green one of these guitars as grandmother groupies with dark tans, cancerous sunspots, unintelligibly stretched and faded tattoos (that I suspect may have once been Tasmanian devils, or possibly a poorly drawn rose with bleeding thorns) smelling of pork ribs and Bud scream at the geriatric fellows hobbling about on stage.

Tested at the Orlando Guitar show
deanguitars.com



Bloody Mary Cocktail (w/ Vox Vodka)

Few drinks suit the tastes of both the die-hard boozers and civilized breakfast-time drinkers like the Bloody Mary. Depending on how you make one, it functions as a libation, a health shake and a meal. My personal recipe is as follows (feel free to tear this out and take it to the grocery market and liquor store, you will need some supplies): In a large cocktail shaker, add 6 pickled caper florettes, 3 manzanilla olives (small with pits still in), a few diced pimentoes, 2 pinches of freshly ground black pepper, a dash of freshly ground dry garlic, a dash of sea salt, a dash of celery salt, a teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce (the real Lea and Perrins kind made with anchovies), a dash of Tabasco, 4 ounces Vox Vodka, and 1 and 1/2 cups of thick tomato juice. Shake this concoction vigorously, and pour without straining. Serve over ice in a tall highball glass, and make sure to add the celery stalk to use as a stirrer. Also, be careful with my version of the drink. You won’t be able to taste the Vox Vodka, because in fact it is a bit too good for this sort of drink and it will sneak up on you and wreck you if you aren’t careful. Two of these and you will be ready for an afternoon of yachting.


Tested during a fundraising yacht cruise with Charlie Crist
voxvodka.com